Soul.Child.

11:22am: if only...
 

9:09pm: fantasy.
i miss you more than physically possible.
i love you more than i can admit.

i'm having withdrawls of your touch, your words, and your heart.

5:39pm: Manuel
i saw him today.

but i refuse to make any predictions of where anything will go as far as our friendship.

time.
time.
time.

8:57am: school on Monday.
he has been bumped from "best friend" to minor acquaintance if anything.
i'm happy.
very happy as a matter of fact.
the begining of the year had its bumps but now its smooth sailing.
my boyfriend keeps me very happy.
he means everything to me right now.
of course without leaving those that are important behind.
my girls i love and miss to death.
Evy i miss you more than words can express.
Edgar your package is still pending mailing. im sorry.
i finally go back to CSUF for the spring on monday and i cann say uim really excited.
im taking 19 units but in sure i'll do great.
i enjoy school.
yes, shocker i know.

7:01pm: you make me feel,
like a natural woman.

friday Nov.24
is a night to never forget.

7:03pm: party tonite.
no quiero ir.

i wanted to see guillermo.
but his piece of crap job at wal-mart has him working at 7am tomorrow.
:(

boys suck.
but wal-mart sucks more.

the end.

10:46am: we talked.
i showed him my previous entry.
and i think it sparked something.
we talked last night.
and even though we tried to avoid the subject.
it came up.
we kinda talked.
he's really excited about his new place.
and there are other issues at hand that need to be discussed about the whole situation.
but like he said.
"its not something you tell someone out of the blue"
and i understand.
we're suppose to meet up tomorrow cuz he wants me to see his new place and meet his brothers/roommates.
im not gonna call.
he knows im in fullerton til like 9pm tomorrow.
he can call me.
he might.
he might not.
my hopes arent high enough to let me fall hard.
:)

anthro midterm in 40 minutes.
shoot me now.
please?

history midterm outcome..

92.5%

im satisfied.

i saw him today.
for like 15minutes.
-the end.

4:24pm: great distractions.
spent the day with Evelyn.
i love her.
she leaves Sept. 15th.
i dont want that day to come any sooner.
but we did make plans to go to Concert Under The Stars.
i remember what a great experience i had there last year.
and this year will be a new memory.
we will go shopping soon.
we need too.
school starts on Monday,
and Evy will tag along with me.
:).

7:56pm: horoscopes.
CANCER
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Your independent spirit has been noticed by a small circle of friends. You are growing in popularity without even realizing it, and even better, without having to compromise whom you truly are as a person.

p.s. i finally got a hold of Lorena today.
hopefully i get to see her on friday.

P.s.s. my little sis is having surgery tomorrow.

10:14pm: scribbles.
he left my heart scribbled.
[im not missing you..]

9:15pm: i love this feeling.
a feeling of accomplishment.
i sat on the roof for most of today.
wrote a total of 4 songs.
came down from the roof.
grabbed my guitar and keyboard.
came up with some beats.
and im feeling good about this.
i can't wait til i get to see Jacob.
and can put it down in the studio.

5:56pm: self explanatory.

Friends Only

comment and be added.
maybe..
partsofmysoul

7:00pm: emotions.
woke up with a smile on my face. unable to explain why. but i didnt question its reason for being there. had breakfast with Stephen an unplanned event.came home.and was unexpectedly overwhelmed with a feeling of terrible sadness.i cried for about two hours.i felt stupid.for crying without a reason.and yet i know my heart had a reason for me doing so.sometimes i feel like all i've done in life i've done it to the best of my ability.and then at times i know that i've half-assed everything.and that i've gotten through many situations by the skin of my teeth.i may not always give the best advice.and yes many times i cant even take my own advice.and yes sometimes i do talk out of my ass.and tell people what they want to hear.because well to be honest sometimes its better than the truth.
and yet i know that when i speak the truth it gets blown out of proportion and i'm blamed for their stupidity.honestly i dont know where this entry is going. but i advised Edgar to write.write til all those feelings are out and away from your soul.and i guess for once im taking my own advice and putting it all down.eventually i know, tonite i'll grab my journal and my favorite green pen and write it all down. and i will go outside and burn it. and know that i dont live with it to myself. many will smell the scent of my words, my feelings, and partsofmysoul.im tired of being everyone's punching bag. tired of always feeling left out. exhausted from always having to listen to other's problems and never having mine heard. selfish? yes i know. but it hurts to always be the person that needs to hear others out and never being heard yourself. always giving advise and never receiving it. i dont have any regrets at this point in my life. from doing the things ive done, to meeting the people i have, to letting go of those that i thought would be there for me til the end. sometimes the people you least expect to get along with are the ones that turn out owning such a large part of your heart. and i can say that for at least 5 people in my life.
Carlo: my best friend. the only one i really feel comfortable sharing that title with. the only one thats never betrayed the real meaning of what a best friend is [even though i have no real definition for it]. my little brother. even if he is 18 months older than me. we've known each other for about 4 years now. and i couldnt ask for a better best friend. i love him. and always will. he has never judged me. and besides my dad he is the only one i would trust with my life.
Evelyn: i love my little one with all my heart. the only one thats managed to slip into my heart and soul after high school was over. when everyone else walked out on me. she managed to find her way in. known her for over 7 years and it wasnt til my senior year that we really got to know each other.
Manny: the best thing i've gotten out of Fullerton. although he's given me his best friend title. i have yet to feel comfortable enough to give him mine. and ive apologized a million and one times. and i really hope he sticks around long enough for me to share that title with him.
Jordan: my life, my soul, my everything. those that know him. know why he means so much to me.
and then there's Edgar. yeah i havent known him too long. but the conversations we've had and the way we get along allows me to understand that this is a friendship worth fighting for. and im willing to fight. i hope he is too.

5:51pm: simply impossible.
cant depend on family.
cant depend on "friends."
i trust myself and will make the best efforts.
to keep a smile on this "saddened by others" face.

i cried today.

Happy Birthday to me.

7:58pm: Poetry Collection.
A wound never healed
im done with the crying.
and beginning to grow.
im tired of trying.
ive learned to let go.
love me unconditionally.
give my heart parole.
ive suffered enough.
so im now gonna go.
a piece of my soul.
now contains a large hole.
but i shall find someone to fill it.
now that you can not be in it.
my heart in bits.
wrists covered in slits.
friendships wounded.
soldiers down.
let me go.
just let me drown.

Greatest fear
i cry today
like i did last nite
miss you more when we're together
than when we're apart
why did such drastic change occur?
was it me?
or was it you?
dont label me your "best"
when you have layed part of our friendship to rest
i no longe know
what to write
or do
or say
to make things go a better way
its up to you
to re-establish what we had
im tired of fighting
and losing
and ending in tears
when i met you
this was my one and only greatest fear

Just let me know
Just tell me you don’t love me
Tell me you don’t care
Tell me that you lied
Maybe then my hope will die
Dreams were made for being seen
But only in our sleep
Wishes don’t come true
So give the sky back its falling stars
Take back the hope you gave my heart
For I felt much better when it was missing that part
I never asked for a good-looking guy
Just one with an open mind and heart
I thought I’d found that in you
But now I see that wasn’t it
A lesson learned
Another love lost
But like they say:
“‘tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”
Another mouth full of broken promises
And a heart that believed you to the very last word
This is not reclamation for what was never really mine
But my heart questioning your reasons for acting the way you did
For ending things so abruptly
I know I was wrong
But would you have preferred me keeping it to myself?
And have our relationship be a lie?
Im not sure how to say things anymore
How to greet you
How to love you
Or if I should even do so

Letting Go

I was bored
So I decided to write
Thought of and searched for the proper words
And then realized
“Art is an expression not just a simple creation”
So here’s how I feel:
The world turns
Life happens
My lungs breathe
And our hearts beat
And you…
You’re added to my collection
My collection of so-called “friends”
But no… wait
You’re different from them
So for you I’ll create a new list
And I shall call it “these people cared”
Because I’m more than positive you did
Thank you for your words
And your acts of kindness and worries
Thank you for the late night conversations
And the times you said “I love you”
What we had was new to me
How you cared was something no one dared to take a chance at
And how I loved was something I will long to do again
Don’t be sorry
I promise to eventually let go
Just know you are one of my happiest memories
Thank you for letting me call you mine
Sorry if I was just a waste of time
Just know that Karma happens
But not the way you described it to me last night
My tears have run dry
And for “us” they will shed no more
We gave it a chance
But destiny had other plans
Maybe we crossed each others’ paths at the wrong time
Or maybe we crossed to teach ourselves a lesson in life
A lesson I surely have learned
And that lesson is
“Don’t take those that cross your path for granted”
I consider myself blessed
Blessed to have found someone who cares regardless
Now I guess I thank you for our friendship
For allowing me to continue in your life
I’ve run out of words to say
Or feelings to feel
So I shall end this here
And hope that the friendship I hold so dear
Does not soon disappear <3

9:27am: With age comes wisdom..for some.
it seems like people i knew in high school can't get over the fact that i'm over high school. and some don't understand that if i was a bitch to them was because you get what you give. like i've said before give me the respect i deserve and you'll get yours in return. it's funny to go to a friend's page and read that someone has the audacity to write "yeah that fat bitch that talks shit to everyone."for one, i'm not stupid. two, grow up,and thirdly, my friends know i have my temper but i would not be a bitch to someone who didnt deserve it. seriously. like i said if i was a bitch to you i totally didn't go out of my way to be that way to you. you got what you deserved and when you were around it just came naturally. idk. i mean i could easily confront him about it. but he's not worth anything. never has been. at least not to me. and like they say "talking shit online is like competing in the special olympics, even if you win you're still retarded."on another note. i would like to thank him for making me so important in his life that he has to go out of his way to talk shit. thank you Isaac.

"be optimistic all the people you hate are going to die eventually."
and trust me. in this case i am the most optimistic person you'll meet.

Don't waste your time caring about the people who don't like you -- chances are you don't like them either. Don't waste your time worrying if people are talking about you -- you affected their lives, they didn't affect yours.

6:53pm: life during winter break
i go back to school in exactly one week.
i guess im excited.
im not really sure how to feel though.
i havent really seen anyone during this break.
high school or college
sometimes i feel like i dont even have friends
the ones from college live too far
the ones from high school are to caught up in their "i wish i was still in high school" moods for me to even want to make an attempt at having a decent adult coversation with them
and in more ways than one im glad im not as attached to them as i had once been.
can you imagine how depressed i would be if i was?
ive had my share of ups and downs this winter break.
lost the respect of someone that became my world after having known him for only a few weeks.
did my share of stupid things.
stayed away from lies and hypocrisy
or endevored to anyways
idk i really hope that this goes somewhere
i dont wanna be a nobody or just anybody for that matter
i want people to get to know who i really am
but where can i find the right person thats willing to give me that chance?

3:32am: letting go
well since i cant sleep i figured i'd write and see if what's on my mind can be released. tonite i think about many things 1. Edgar(RIP) i miss him like no other and its sad to see how his "best friends" from high school have never gone back to his grave after his burial. maybe they choose not to remember what happened or maybe the choose not to remember he's gone. but me on the other hand refuse to let him go. as i sat there tonite and talked to his grave i realized that my feelings for him still exist. i hadnt known you very long and just as quickly as i got attached you were pulled away. i think this is why i refuse to get attached to others even though it happens more often than i wish it did. 2. Amanie, she's one of those attachments that i'm afraid of. and as much as i say "i need time away from you" i know it would hurt me even more to stay away now than to continue being the friends we have become and form an even bigger bond. i hold her dear to my heart and i'm glad i can talk and open up to her in the many ways that i can. there are things i've told you in the 3 months we've known each other that my friends of 7+ years dont and will never know. and im thankful for that. as much as i may act like it bothers my when she wont tell me things i think im learning to accept that even though i may have an entrance to the wall she's built its still goin to take time for her to be as open with me as i am with her. and im willing to wait forever and a day for that to happen. 3. Lorena as much as she may say "im thankful for having you as a friend" i know that i havent been the friend i promised to be when we graduated we've seen each other maybe twice since we graduated. and thats not how i expected things to be. but im going to make it up to her for the good of the friendship because i know shes one of those people that i can talk to and wont judge me even when my world is a complete mess. 4. my "friends" from high school this part is for those idiots that swear i have all the time in the world to be calling them. im sorry if i havent called im sorry if i dont have time to hang out. but its not my fault. i knew what i was getting into when i decided on a 4 year university, but i never thought that the people that chose to stay at home and not do anything with their lives would be the ones telling me "you shouldve thought about me when you decided your life would revolve around school and only school" thos are "friendships" i dont mind letting go of because theyre only making it harder for me. 5. Byron, for some reason he's one of those people that i wish i could rekindle my friendship with we had been best friends since 7th grade and then our friendship became dust our senior year. i dont blame anyone but him for it. i tried my best to keep in touch, to try and talk to him but he never made any efforts so i gave up. it got to the point where he was the only one that didnt sign my yearbook he was the only one i didnt hug at graduation and the only one i havent heard from since ever. but whatever i hope he's happy and achieves whatever he sets his mind too. ok well i guess thats about it for right now.. i hope everyone had a great thanksgiving and you continue to have a great break because as for me as of tomorrow or later i need to hit the books..and hit them hard! cuz i have alot of work due next week.